Life is full of contradictions. One moment, I was willing to suffer the pain and hold on, be optimistic and accepting, the next moment I was giving up and running away. I apologize to those who have read my previous posts… I guess I’m still on the emotional rollercoaster. But I am trying to improve, trying to reach a compromise between those two contrasting solutions.
I went to church yesterday. As soon as I sat down, all the pain I was feeling washed over me, and I cried like a lost child. For that was how I felt at that time… lost and alone. When I finally stopped crying, it was then that I realized, here I was, inside the church, here was the comfort and solace I have been seeking. I prayed silently to God, I told Him everything that was tearing me apart. I told Him that I needed help badly, I needed Him to show me what I must do to survive.
Talking to God is a difficult business, mainly because it’s a one-way conversation (at least for most people). There were moments when I wonder if my prayers ever reach Him at all (I know, I’m going to hell!), but these moments were rare because I’ve been through so much to know that He is always there.
Yesterday, after I have prayed to Him and listened to the service, I noticed a change in me. The burden in my heart seemed to be much much lighter, and my mind, a lot clearer. More importantly, I felt stronger… like I can face anything that’s going to happen, and I will emerge not only unscathed but triumphant as well. I know it’s too soon to tell, but I feel I’m going to win this battle with my evil, malicious, and green-eyed self. Unlike before, I no longer pray for things to go my way. Rather, I pray that I will have the strength to face whatever His will has in store for me.
Why Jane Eyre, then? I’m currently reading Charlotte Bronte’s celebrated novel, and I cannot help but admire the character of Jane. She is strong and loyal. She is accepting and humble, yet, determined and stubborn when it comes to her principles. I like her very much, and somehow, I draw comfort from her in these trying times. She has suffered more than I have suffered; her heart has been shattered more than mine has been shattered… yet her spirit remains intact and pure. Yes, she is fictitious, but there are a lot of Jane Eyres in the world out there. People whose strength, humility, and capacity to love serve as a beacon to those groping in this dark, treacherous world.
What of me, then? I have yet to possess these fine qualities, and am a long way off from being a beacon. But I know I will get there.
You can out-distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.
