Letting Go
July 26, 2005 by edzguanko
Alone and crying again…I am so pathetic. I know what I have to do and yet, I’m too weak to do it. I can’t let go…I just can’t…not yet. Someone said to me that you have to know when to say that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. How much pain should I suffer before I can put my life back together again? These past three years have weakened me considerably. I am no longer the strong, independent person that I was. True, I had a lonely existence because nothing touched me, no one made a deep impression in my life. Though it was a mediocre existence, I was whole…and I was safe.
Letting my guard down was the biggest mistake of my entire life. A stranger to intimacy, I led myself to believe that such things are forever. Now that reality came crashing down on me, I am shattering into a million pieces. It’s hard because I need to be strong…there are people who depend on me to be strong. But there are times when I just wanna give up and say to hell with being strong and noble and understanding! Am I not human, too? Am I not entitled to give up when the pain has become unbearable?
I know what I have to do. I have to go away…and stay away. I may lose some people who are very dear to me, but maybe this is the only way I can get my life together again…be my old, strong and independent self again. And when that time comes, I will not let anyone in to my life anymore. I will not risk losing myself again.
Years ago, suffering from the stupidity of youth, I said that the memories are worth the pain. I TAKE IT BACK. Nothing, not even love and friendship, is worth that much.
Never again.
I am going to have to say goodbye soon…but not just yet. I still have to summon enough strength and courage to do it. But I will do it. Even if it kills me.
