The Essence of Me

Yes, it is my birthday today. Since yesterday I have been receiving greetings from friends and family, and how I wish that each Happy Birthday said to me has the power to put even just a little amount of happiness in my heart… so by the end of today, all the Happy Birthdays would have piled up and I would have enough to keep me going for days to come.

Don’t get me wrong… I was touched by the warm greetings I received, even from people I have only known for a few weeks. Thing is, there’s a part somewhere deep inside of me that seems frozen, and no amount of sunshine can thaw it.

When is change for the better? How do you decide between your reason and your emotions? Should you listen to your mind, or to your heart? Difficult questions, especially when these two powerful forces are on extreme, opposing sides.

Time would probably help you decide on the proper course of action, and prayers would certainly help you find the right path. But I don’t have the luxury of time… and God seems to want me to find my own way, discover the lessons for myself.

Reason tells me that letting go is the only way out. You can only do so much for a person, but he or she would still be the one to choose his or her destiny. No matter how much you love that person, you must let go and let him or her find his or her way, make his or her own mistakes, and hopefully learn the lessons as well.

Sometimes, you are so hellbent on taking care of that person, trying to protect him or her from pain, from making grievous mistakes, that you cause the pain yourself. You hold on to that person and suffocate him or her to death.

Each of us is given the gift to think, to decide. It is wrong of me to blame myself for the wrong decisions of another. And yet, I do. Partly because that person has become part of me, that his or her life overlaps a large portion (if not the whole) part of mine. And partly because, I have taken it unto myself to change that person for the better… and in playing God, I have only ended up hurting that person and myself.

Letting go is the only bearable option. No matter how much my heart screams No!, no matter how much blood it sheds, the fact remains that this change is inevitable. It would give me a chance to get to know myself again, to feel more at peace. I may not be able to stop him or her from repeating his or her former mistakes, but I certainly can’t stand by and look on while he or she messes up his or her life again. That would fill me with more guilt because I wasn’t able to stop these from happening, especially when I have done my best and given my everything.

And yet, it feels like dying… like losing part of your soul. It feels like you’ll never see the sun rise again, and you will continue to exist in a dark, dismal world. You lose more than a friend… you lose your very self.

Letting go is my only salvation, and perhaps that person’s as well. It is not cowardice… it is acceptance. I must trust in the healing power of time, that as months and years roll by the pain will grow duller… and memory, kinder.

I thank God that I have reached the end of another year of my life. I have experienced much, and I hope, learned much as well. As I begin a new one, I only hope that He will make me stronger and wiser, so that I can face whatever challenges that lie ahead of me.

Happy birthday, dear self. May your heart become light enough to let you fly where the sun shines.

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.