The Essence of Me

It’s a weekend again, and I spent the most of it sleeping and surfing the net. I just love not having to go out for the day especially because it’s raining. I love having the time to watch movies and catch up on my reading. I love being able to rest after a long, hard week.

And it has been hard, hasn’t it? Only my fellow trainees would know. Just one more week and we’re on to lab. Anyway, it’s time to relax and I refuse to let my mind dwell on work. Oh, just a bit of good news… I got a perfect score in the change management assessment. It’s no big deal, really, but I was comforted after feeling down because of my awful systems scores.

Things have been going smoothly for me this past week. I feel more at peace with myself, and I think I have improved a lot, as far as emotions are concerned. I also got my appetite back , which is an indication that I’m really okay now. Though I don’t know if that’s a good thing because a few months from now I’d probably balloon again. My relationship with the people I’m close to have improved also. All in all, i feel it was a blessed week.

However, there are moments like this when my fears and insecurities return unbidden to my mind. I shake them off as much as I can, but it’s hard when you have so much time to think. They don’t affect me as much as before, but i feel troubled that I have not yet overcome them completely. I guess I’ll just have to be patient with myself. After all, a caterpillar does not grow into a butterfly overnight.

I’m really excited about the Goblet of Fire. It sucks that they won’t be showing it until November. I also want to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I love watching Johnny Depp. I miss going to the movies. Next week, I’m gonna treat myself to a movie marathon.

Two days to go and I would finish another year of my life… twenty-four years of wandering and seeking my place on this earth. I haven’t carved a niche for myself yet, and goodness knows I’m getting impatient. Life seems to move very slowly for me. I want to hurry her up, tell her that I’m not getting any younger. But I know she wouldn’t listen to me. After all, I’m just a tiny dot on this universe, and there are a lot out there who need her attention more than I do.

What would I wish for? A lot of things come to mind,  but i’ll try to organize them by making a list.

So here’s my BIRTHDAY WISH LIST:

1. Be really good at my job.

2. Make new good friends.

3. Renew ties with old friends.

4. Have my brother back home again, and make up with my dad.

5. Be less emotional and have a more pleasant disposition.

6. Get a big dog. (Not as big as a St. Bernard… a collie would be perfect!)

7. Have voice lessons. (My first love was singing.)

8. Learn to play the guitar. (It would be cool to sing and play the guitar at the same time.)

9. Receive books as birthday gifts. I would love to get Memoirs of a Geisha, anything by Paulo Coelho and Nicolas Sparks, and Like Water for Chocolate.(*wink*wink*) =P

10. Go to a Kitchie Nadal concert.

11. Go back to Enchanted Kingdom.

12. Go to Baguio again.

13. NOT to fall in love again until i’m 30 years old. Or, since I’m in love already, not to feel the need to express that love until I’m 30. Why 30? By that time, I think I would have put my affairs in order, fulfilled my duties as a daughter and sister, and would have matured enough to be ready for a serious relationship.

14. Be truly optimistic.

15. Buy back our old house, the one I grew up in. (It costs around 1.5m)

16. Forgive my mom.

17. Become kinder to myself.

18. Be independent again… be whole again.

19. For my grandparents to live a long, healthy life, so I could repay them for their sacrifices and give them the best life this world can offer.

20. For my brother and sisters to have bright futures and achieve their dreams.

21. Practice judo again.

22. Buy a laptop and a really cool phone.

23. Be happy, content, and fulfilled.

  24. World peace.

There! 24 wishes for my 24 years of life. I think that covers everything. Even if only a few of these came true, I would be very very happy.

Never look to another person to make you happy — happiness is an internal, personal attitude and responsibility.