The Essence of Me

I am seriously considering changing jobs… or at least, changing schedules. I guess I’m not cut out to be a vampire after all. Even if I had 8 to 9 hours of sleep, I still feel like shit when I wake up. I also eat less and smoke more. Coffee keeps me going, but after my second cup I start feeling like I’m gonna puke, so I had to go easy on the caffeine. Instead of feeling enthusiastic about going to work, I actually dread it now. I don’t know… it’s still a bit early to say that I’m burning out. Maybe lab would suit me better than product training. Nah, that’s asking too much.

In truth, the reason why I feel like this is because I have other things on my mind. I have made probably the biggest decision of my life, and even though I know it’s the right decision, I feel so dejected.

The only positive thing is, I have achieved some closure. It has enabled me to think clearly about my future plans, my actions… it’s so difficult because I have to start from scratch. Everything I have built these past three years has already crumbled around me, and I have to rebuild them pebble by pebble, brick by brick… and all alone.

I remember my trainer saying that, anything that doesn’t kill us will make us strong. I think it’s true. I hope it’s true. Or else, all these sufferings would seem pointless if we do not gain something from them.

I still cry everyday, though no longer with bitter, angry tears. I cry tears of sadness and resignation… of acceptance. I hope that one day, I will wake up and discover that my eyes have grown tired of shedding tears, my mind has given up on memories, and my heart has learned to harden herself up.

Be strong, be strong, be strong… I say to myself. As if repeating it would make any difference.