Wake-up Call
September 20, 2005 by edzguanko
Long ago, caught in the throes of first love, a concerned friend wrote to me. As I read that letter again today after a long time, I found wisdom and comfort in her words.
"…As you journey through life, don’t ever dare lose your self-respect and your pride. No matter how much you like or even love a person, you should still love yourself. Please take some time to think about your life and the things you’ve been doing. I’m quite sure you’ll know in your heart if what you’re doing is right and if you’re going on the right track.
I’m sorry I had to be harsh. You’re an intelligent, talented young woman and I don’t want to see your future go to waste. You have so much to look forward to; I hope you can look inside yourself and catch a glimpse of what life holds for you."
This is what’s wrong with me. I love too much. When I love a person, I no longer have any concept of pride, self-preservation, dignity… sure, I preach these to my friends all the time… that you should love yourself first before you even venture to love another person; that no matter how much you love a person, you should keep a little of yourself out of that person’s reach; that you need to be whole first before you can truly love another; that it is wrong to love a person just because you need to be loved in return; that you do not love a person to fill a void in your life, rather, you love a person to enrich your already complete life.
Wonderful theories, aren’t they? But these are but theories and most of the time, we are not able to apply them in real life. Look at me. I fell in love because for the first time in my life I felt admired, treasured, and loved. I fell in love because I wanted to fall in love at that point in my life… I needed to fall in love because I wanted to break away from the monotony of my existence.
In doing so I have loved that person more than I loved myself. In fact, I have actually forgotten how to love myself. All my thoughts, my energy, and every little tiny wheel of my life centered on that person. Now that I lost that person’s love, I feel empty. I feel like I have no value… like my existence has lost its meaning. When I loved, I gave everything away… even my pride and self-respect.
Which is stupid, I know. I still have my whole life ahead of me, and I have friends and family who believe I am something special… who worry about me, think about me, care about me. Why should I give a damn if this one person doesn’t love me anymore? Sure, it hurts. But I have already wasted a couple of months wallowing in self-pity. There are people who love me, and I should give them my love in return and not waste it on those who don’t need it, nor want it.
I guess this is it. Enough is enough. But I will not run away. Hell, I wasn’t born a coward nor a quitter. I can take pain and swallow it quietly, and not let it spill through my eyes. If I survived my mother, I would certainly survive this one. There are a lot of things to do, books to read, songs to sing, movies to watch, people to see, friends to love… I will learn to live again.
