The Essence of Me

I think I have a fever.

It’s so freaking cold here, what with the monster AC behind me trying very hard to kill me. Okay, that’s a bit melodramatic. I can’t help it! I can’t take being sick, because it is during these times that unhappy memories assault me and somehow, I’m emotionally fragile as well.

I remember one time, when I got sick in our dorm, I was crying and all the memories of my mom leaving us came rushing back to me. It was almost too much to bear. I was missing her so much; the way she used to take care of me when I was sick… some things are better left forgotten.

Now, sick again, and alone. I miss my family.

Three days ago, I had a row with my dad. It was about something as trivial as money, but he said some things that really stung. Of all people, I expected him to understand. Typical of me, I replied to him in kind… and we haven’t talked or texted each other since.

I have forgiven him already, even if he didn’t ask for it. I won’t apologize for the harsh things I said until he admits that he’s wrong. I guess I’m not someone you’d want as a daughter.

God knows I love my family, even more than I love myself. I try to do the best I can for them but sometimes, I need to make decisions that would be good for me. Like leaving IBM. Sure, it gives me financial security to stay because of my tenure, but it’s sapping my spirit. I’m losing the fire in me. So I left… and I never regretted it, not even once.

Sick again, and alone. I miss my friends.

In the past three years I made a terrible mistake. I shut my friends off. Perhaps they didn’t even realize it, but that’s what I did. I made a choice… and I regretted it. Now, I can’t even think of anyone that I can talk to, and say these silly things. If you’re my friend and you’re reading this piece of crap, I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings. There are a lot of people who’d be willing to listen to me, but only a few who would really understand…and it’s my fault.

Cold, Sick, and Alone… I deserve every minute of it.