The Essence of Me

February 26, 2001

Monday, 3:03 am

How can I be so stupid? Why did I let myself believe that he might be feeling something for me? That somehow, I’m beginning to be not just an acquaintance or a friend… but someone special to him? This is nobody’s fault but my own. I let myself fall madly and deeply in love with a man whom I know fully well is not capable of loving me.

He already left but I still feel his presence around me, enveloping me like the warm sunshine in a summer’s day, making me feel loved… wanted…needed. Who am I fooling? I am nothing to him but a co-worker, a companion during cigarette breaks. I think I need a cigarette. I think I need a drink. I think I need someone to love me. I think I need him to love me.

Sometimes, I feel that all my emotions are being wasted. I feel I have so much to give… if only he’d let me. What impossibility! I think I should get a dog… or a cat… or a monkey.

Next week, I’m going somewhere with him and with another friend. This further adds to my frustration. I know fully well that nothing special will take place during this trip but still, can anyone blame me for hoping?

All I know is that I love him… so much that I melt inside each time we talk, each time he tells me about his day, his work, his family… so much that each time I pass by his chair I touch it, imagining I’m touching his shoulder… so much that each time I see him, I want to run to him and touch his hair and embrace and kiss him for all I’m worth… so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with him… so much, yes, I love him so much.

Too bad I’m a big coward. Too bad I’m stupid. Too bad, because even though I know he wouldn’t love me the way I want him to, even though I know he wouldn’t want to spend his life with me, even though he might already have someone special in his life… I continue to love him and need him with a frightening desperation.

Another day today. Another torturous day with him so near yet so very far. How sad… how pathetic. I just hope that I’ll be able to make it through this world without his love. I just hope that in our next lives, if there were such a thing as reincarnation, the happy ending with him that I wouldn’t get in this lifetime would finally come true… because I know, deep in my heart, I’d wait a thousand lifetimes for him to love me.

February 28, 2001

Wednesday, 2:31 am

I feel so happy today. My heart sings as I think about the past few hours I’ve spent with him. We weren’t alone but it was enough to have him near and talk to him. It was enough to see him laughing and smiling, knowing we were smiling and laughing together. It was enough… more than enough.

Or was it? No, I don’t want to think about what lies ahead. I want to enjoy the moments I have with him. I want to savor each minute I am with him so when the time comes that we have to say goodbye, I would have beautiful memories to treasure. These memories would keep me going when I no longer see him. When I no longer hear his voice and lively laughter. When I no longer see the corners of his eyes crinkle with amusement. When I no longer see his salt-and-pepper hair. When I no longer smell his wonderful cologne. When I no longer have him.

But when did he ever become mine? Was it when he first smiled at me? Was it when he gave me half of his wafer? Was it when he made me a cup of coffee? Was it when we went home together? Was it when he started talking to me about his family and friends? When did he ever become mine? No, he was never, and never will be mine.

Oh how many times have I pictured the two of us together? A hundred…a thousand… a million times. In my dreams he was holding my hand, looking at me with eyes that said so much. In my dreams we were very much in love and we knew that we would spend our lives together. In my dreams, I caressed his face, touched his hair, embraced him tightly, and told him I love him with all my heart and soul. In my dreams he took my hand and whispered he loves me more than anything in this world. But those were only dreams and nothing more.

I made him a cup of coffee just a few minutes ago, and while he was stretched uncomfortably on the chair trying to grab a few winks, I wanted to go to him and make everything all right. I wanted to make him feel better, massage the stress from his tired shoulders. I wanted to kiss his eyes and tell him to go to sleep. I wanted to stroke his hair while his head rests on my lap. But all I could do was look at him with all the emotions I feel showing in my eyes, then look away when he turns his head.

Tonight, I’m going out with him and his friends. I feel privileged to have been invited, and I’m looking forward to an enjoyable evening. It would be a nice addition to my collection of memories.