The Essence of Me

Do you ever get the feeling that everything around you moves so fast that it’s just a big blur? People with things to do, places to go, people to see… I am surrounded by them. I try to speed up my life, but it seems like I’m running on a treadmill, faster and faster I go, but never really moving, never getting anywhere.

I am wading deeper and deeper into a big pool of frustrations… things that I want to have, places that I want to visit, people I want to love, dreams I want to achieve. I am, most definitely, stuck in a rut. And at twenty-five, at that.

Last night, my friend, Bec, and I checked out this bar where she’s planning to celebrate her birthday. It’s a cool, intimate place… great music, nice ambience, friendly people. Check it out: Party A-Venue, 66 Scout Tuazon, Timog Ave, QC (hey, John, I should get a free beer next time! hehe). Anyway, I had four bottles of beer and I was tipsy as hell. I had fun, although it would have been better if there were dancing involved. I really had a great time, and somehow, it made me feel guilty.

Why? Because I have no business enjoying myself. I disappointed a lot of people, and even though I had a good excuse (like unreasonable deadlines), I still can’t help feeling like S-H-I-T.

Last night, the bartender was hitting on me. When he asked if I already have a boyfriend, I told a big, fat lie. Then, he asked where my supposed boyfriend was working, and it just poPPed out of my mouth.  I didn’t mean to, honest. Talk about not-so-secret longings. It’s crazy, missing someone you have no business missing… he’s still here, but you feel as if he’s gone already.

I love my Dad a lot, but I hurt him again today. With my unkind words and accusations. Whenever he says something hurtful, I always strike back. I want to stop, because when I hurt him it only doubles my pain.

I miss my mom. Not the mom I know now, but the mother of my childhood. It must be nice having someone to confide in, someone who can hold you and stroke your hair and tell you that everything’s going to be all right.

I wish to be free… free of the burdens I carry, the demons of my past, the cold, empty space in my heart. I wish to be free of guilt, of shadows, of hurt, and of lies.

I wish to be free… to follow my heart, to soar and quench the thirst in my soul, and to go where I want to go.

But where the hell do I want to go? I don’t know. Maybe that’s the reason I am stuck.

Listening to: Bat Out of Hell by Meatloaf