The Essence of Me

Today is our graduation day for process training. After eating pizza, ice cream, and cake, we checked the quizzes until we were left with nothing to do but sleep. The lights are out but I am not sleepy. In fact, I feel a little restless and strangely sad… the view from our room (on the 40th floor of PBCom Tower) is positively breathtaking but for once, it is not enough to warm my dejected heart.

The first quarter of the year is over, and I am still stuck.

Stuck in all aspects of my life. I was offered a teaching position and I turned it down, but my decision to remain with my company was half-hearted. Sure, I love it here. I love the atmosphere, the people I work with, and much to my surprise, I like the job itself. But the thing is, I’ve been putting off teaching for quite some time now, and I need the experience if I were to go abroad and teach there. I really want to teach. So why did I turn it down? For practical reasons? Not really. The truth is, I am so damn scared of teaching, because I don’t think I am good enough. I don’t think I even remember anything I’ve been taught in college. Shit.

I need a little color, a little flavor in my life.

Meaning, I need a little romance. The last one was brief, but it was really, really something. I guess this is the time that I let another person in. I can’t hide forever, and I’ve been nothing but giving when it comes to love. A wise friend once told me that love entails decisions, and I agree. I own my heart and only I can decide if it’s time to move on. After all, I am not really losing anything or anyone.

This is it.

Home for the weekend. This is just what the doctor ordered. To be with the people I trust and love. To have people take care of me for a change! That’s just sheer heaven. It’s difficult to be strong all the time, because people tend to take you for granted. They think you can handle everything, well in fact, you are just waiting for someone to take the reins off your hands.

Downtime sucks. It gives you a lot of time to think.