Feeling and Looking Blue
September 6, 2007 by edzguanko
The problem with me is I am so damn transparent. What I feel inside shows on the outside. Maybe it’s my eyes. They’re too expressive for comfort. So today, people kept asking me what’s wrong.
I’ll tell you what’s wrong.
My puppy just died. Her name is Paoula. She arrived last Saturday, and we all noticed her lack of energy. She was to be taken to the vet this week so she can have her shots. Last night, she died. Even though I only spent one weekend with her, I’ve grown quite fond of her. I was looking forward to being her mom, to taking care of her. I was so excited to meet her and just like that, she went away… three weeks after Chubi died. I don’t think I’ll be getting another dog anytime soon. It’s just so painful when you lose them.
Then there’s this emotional roller-coaster I’m in.
For the first time in my life, I am actually scared to tell the man I love that I love him. I am usually so good at expressing my feelings, but now, fear is holding me back. I want so much to let this person know how I feel, I want him to know how important he is to me… but I don’t want to scare him, or to make him feel guilty. I don’t want to lose his friendship and the closeness we share. I don’t want him to know how much it hurts every time I realize that we can never be together. I don’t want him to know how much I want to be with him. I don’t want him to know that I get hurt when he’s being distant.
Don’t get me wrong. He makes me happy, too. His kind and caring nature never fails to amaze me. His passion and conviction breathe life into my mediocre daily existence. His playfulness and penchant for telling the craziest (not to mention, corniest) of jokes add the perfect flavor to my day. His secret smiles, small caresses, and thoughtful looks warm my very soul.
When we’re together, I feel happy and absolutely lonely. Yes, that is possible. As the song goes, he’s so near yet so far. Again, I’ve fallen in love with someone who won’t ever fall in love with me.
It should be enough that we’re very close. It should be enough that we’re good friends. It should be enough that he cares about me. It should be enough… but sadly, it never is.
Again, I’ve fallen in love with someone who won’t ever fall in love with me. - Why not? i could only think of one reason. and although i told you my opinion about the matter, i was hoping that in your case, i was wrong. God knows if someone deserves to be truly happy, its you. (and xy. and kleng. =) My heart aches for you. You’ll soon find your happiness. you just have to believe. i did. =)
Thanks, Mayeng =) I really appreciate what you told me. In fact, it keeps me grounded when I’m being a little too hopeful. I guess I just have to take things one day at a time. I’m really happy for you… you deserve every bit of it =) Looking forward to Tagaytay. Mwah!