The Essence of Me

Last weekend, I decided to be a happy person. I decided to let go of the negative emotions, and to practice pushing ugly thoughts away. I decided I would start a new life. I decided to be more mature, less emotional, and more importantly, less in love.

I was doing very well yesterday, in fact, I was so pumped up with positive energy that I did not get sad even for a moment. Even when everybody seemed to be joking about my current state of affairs. It was all fine.

But who am I kidding? I could only do it for so long. So today, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I caved in, and it’s not for lack of trying. I cried on the way home, in the cab. I know I am being childish, insecure, stupid, emotional… oh, I could go on all night with all the adjectives that would aptly describe me, but it really comes down to what I am going to do about it. How do you exorcise your demon? Do you run? Do you pretend it’s not there? Do you befriend it? Or do you face it like a man (or woman) and purge it?

So after I wiped my tears and blew my nose, I decided, it is time. It is time to tell him what’s really happening. My life is about to change in a few days time and before that happens, I have to tell him so I could move on. I am scared that he would take it the wrong way. I am terrified that things will change. I am frightened that I would lose whatever it is we have. But it is time to face my fears. It is time to stop joking about it. It is time to be mature. It is time to be brave.

But no matter how much courage I try to summon, it will never be enough to allow me to tell him face to face. So I would tell him the best way I know how, the coward’s way out.

I would write to him.