Floundering
January 25, 2008 by edzguanko
In this tempestuous sea of life, this little fish is, indeed, floundering.
Isn’t it ironic that you feel loneliest when you are surrounded by a lot of people? And these are not just any people. These are your friends who do their very best to cheer you up. And yet… my heart feels so heavy.
What is wrong with me?
This year started great for me, opening up a lot of windows, at least, career-wise. I should be busy (come to think of it, I am busy!) and should have no time to feel sad. But I do feel sad… I guess work can only keep you preoccupied for so long.
Perhaps, I am getting old.
I can’t even express my feelings effectively. I can’t seem to find the right words. Isn’t it scary when writers (even amateur ones like me) find themselves at a loss for words? I feel like a kitchen sink with a clogged drain.
I wish the solution is as easy as pouring Liquid Sosa on my mind.
Sad fact is, my heart is clogged, too. There are times when I feel it would burst because of how alone I feel. I know I have a great capacity to love, but I keep on holding back because I’m just too damn scared to get hurt. I choose men who are scared, too, so that it would give me an excuse not to give myself fully.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not always this gloomy.
In fact, I am generally a happy person. Being with my family and friends make me happy. Singing and writing, books and movies, and even food make me happy. Sunrises and rain showers, music and flowers, coffee and conversations… seem to be simple things but are my constant source of comfort and warmth. Love, in all forms and expressions, makes me feel alive.
See? I told you I’m a happy person.
It’s just that, from time to time, no amount of happiness can temper the chill in my soul. But it’s a feeling that does not last, and for that, I am grateful.
It’s just too tiring to be sad all the time.
