The Essence of Me

Lately, I’ve been feeling down because of several things. My youngest sister is going through the rough stage of adolescence, and I know how depressing things can look from her point of view. After all I was there once, although it seems so long ago now. Even though my logical self knows that it’s just hormones, I’m sick with worry about her. I don’t know how to get her to talk to me about what’s bothering her, or how to let her know that I love her dearly and that I’m here for her. I got to talk to her on the phone two days ago and I was a little relieved that she sounded okay, especially since she’s with my mom now who’d be able to look after her for me.

Then there’s my brother going to college. My main worry about that is just financial, although I’m pretty sure my current income would be able to cover that. I was never good at budgeting, but now I would have to learn that and fast. I don’t want my brother to worry about money, because I know how that felt. I want him to think only of studying and to work hard at it. I’ll worry about the rest.

There’s also this rift between my dad and my youngest sister. My dad is just so angry with her that it came to a point when he disowned her. Although I know that wouldn’t really last, I just hate it that they stay this way. I just wish they would learn to listen to and understand each other.

Then there’s him. Since he changed schedules I feel him growing more distant. He seems so alone. A friend of mine said that maybe he prefers his life that way… and I feel sad for him. I try to reach out, to let him know that he can still talk to me. I just don’t know if he’s hearing me. So all I can do is to just let him be, and be there for him when he needs me. After all, that’s what true friends do.

I also feel torn about my career. There’s an opening for a trainer position at the company where I do part-time work. In fact, two slots are open. Ever since I became part of the call center industry I wanted to be a trainer. It’s in line with my training and I have the passion and the temperament for it. But I already have a full-time job, a job that I am slowly coming to love. Still, I feel torn… and I hate feeling this way.

My back pain is also back (no pun intended). I had six PT sessions about two or three months ago and as the doctor advised, I continued the exercises at home. My lower back no longer hurts but now my upper back does, just below the shoulder blades. I’ve been putting off going to the doctor for over two weeks now but I can’t put it off any longer. I’m afraid I would have to go in for another six sessions and I simply don’t have the time for that.

Now I know you probably think it strange that the title of this entry doesn’t seem to match the content. I beg to differ. It is a beautiful Sunday morning because despite the things that had worried me or made me cry I’m still here, alive. I was able to witness today’s sunrise, feel the cool morning breeze, walk, breathe, smile… mornings like this make me feel like I can face anything, do anything.

I thank God for giving me this day. For my family, my friends, my life. For the blessings and small miracles. For my strength, my will, my spirit. And finally, I thank God for giving me someone who wants to look after me. That’s something new in my life.