The Essence of Me

I’ve just seen The Forbidden Kingdom and I was absolutely pleased to see my two favorite Chinese actors working together. They were great! I was actually planning to put off watching until next weekend, but I was too excited about it that I couldn’t wait. I’d probably see it again next week.

Earlier I was thinking of inviting a friend, or having coffee with someone, but opted not to. I’m not feeling too sociable today. I guess I miss being alone. Strange, huh? This is probably what Issey calls “Edz time”. There is peace in solitude, and from time to time, I need to shut off my mind and heart to regain my footing. Of course, too much of this is not good. But once a week, without the company of my friends and loved ones, I have time to think and plan. I have time to breathe.

So from now on, Saturday is officially MY day.

***

Hearing news of death and sickness made me rethink my life. Funny how we always take these for granted, living each day like we’re never going to get sick, or like we’re immune to death. We go on each day worrying about the next one, working hard to ensure our future is secure. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, and it’s actually admirable when you plan. But the truth is, we are never secure. Life is so fragile that you can be vividly alive one moment, and gone the next. This is the truth that we often forget, and when we do, we end up letting life pass us by, occupied with trifling things that we forget to live.

I read somewhere that God did not give us everything to enjoy life. He gave us life to enjoy everything. We should live each day as if it’s the last. We should tell the people we love that we love them every opportunity we have. We should do the things we’ve always wanted to do. We should spend more time with our family and friends, and start thinking about things that matter. We can’t always tell ourselves that I can do this or that tomorrow.

What if there is no tomorrow?

***

This led me to another decision. I would have to give up one of my jobs and apply as a teacher. I’ve been putting off teaching, thinking I would always have next year. I let my worries over finances prevent me from doing what I’ve wanted to do. So now, I would have to choose. It’s an easy choice which job to let go, but I still need to weigh things out, and keep the one which would give me more flexibility. I would need to talk to the people concerned.

Let’s wait and see.

***

Being cared for is an entirely new, but not an unpleasant experience for me. Although I can’t help but feel guilty and spoiled. I get scared when I think of getting used to this feeling and losing my independence. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that the only person you can really trust and depend on is yourself.

But then again, life is short and absolutely unpredictable. So I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

***

Taking some time off from the person I consider my best friend actually did me some good. In fact, it saved our friendship. Detaching myself from him helped me realize a lot of things, and clarify some issues that were troubling me for a long time. I’m just happy and grateful that things between us are back to normal.

***

I hope and pray that my life would finally have a direction. That I would find happiness and fulfillment in whatever I choose to do. Wish me luck.