The Essence of Me

Today, I finally did what I should have done a long time ago—go to the SEI office in Bicutan and apply for a clearance. After almost two hours on the commute I finally got there and found that after ten years it still looked the same. The first time I went there was in 1999, before I started my freshman year in UP. I think I had to submit some requirements for my scholarship before I could enroll. I remember that my grandfather and my great uncle were with me. My grandfather stayed with me during my first two weeks in Manila. He taught me how to get to and from the university, and very patiently waited for me at school during our Summer Orientation and Enrichment Program (I hope I got it right… man, it feels like a century ago!). When he felt that I could survive on my own, he went back to Cabanatuan, and I cried every night for the next two weeks.

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During the SOEP I had my first crush on a professor… and my two other girlfriends at that time were also smitten. We used to call ourselves “Mrs. Santoses” (the guy’s last name is, clearly, Santos ^_^) and our English class was always the highlight of our day. He was so dreamy! He was tall and slim, and he had those piercing eyes that you could just look into forever . More importantly, he was a great teacher. I always looked forward to getting his feedback on my essays because I always learned something new. Through him, I also discovered a poem that I could relate to, heart and soul—the poem was “I Go Back to May 1937″ by Sharon Olds. I wanted to have a copy of it and asked to borrow the book. Instead, he had the whole book photocopied and gave it to me. It was really, really nice of him.

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I was going through some old stuff when I discovered an email from an old friend that I printed out. I think it was three or four years ago, and she was telling me about the breakup with her boyfriend. Her letters/emails were always long and I loved them, because even though we rarely see each other whenever I read them it felt like we were talking face to face.

I miss her. She was one of the few people who knew me through and through. I bought a card for her about two years ago and I haven’t sent it yet. That’s next on my to-do list, so expect a card from me, soulmate ^_^

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I also came across my hideous graduation pictures. No, not the ones taken in the studio, but the ones during the actual graduation. I looked absolutely awful! But it wasn’t a surprise. I was experiencing a kind of hell at that time, and those were the darkest moments of life. I was a mess. But I got over it. Through time, self-discipline, and faith, I became strong. I became a better person. I became happier.

I need to dispose of these awful pictures. I think I’ll leave just one, the one with my grandmother and father. But the rest would have to go.

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I think I got a lot of things done today, and even though I have to work tomorrow to make up for the hours it was worth it. It finally feels like I’m going somewhere.