The Essence of Me

When I walk around the campus, especially on the edge of the sunken garden, I wish I could just spread my jacket on the grass and lie down, put my hands behind my head, and watch the night sky for hours. The night sky is beautiful this time of the year, and I can lose myself looking up the bright moon, twinkling stars, and floating clouds against the dark blue sky. If I squint my eyes just a little, I can make believe that I’m somewhere else, someplace new.

I wish I could go somewhere… soon.

They say the cold weather will last until March. That’s fine. It makes it easier for me to ignore a much deeper chill… that in my heart.

For the past few months I’ve been battling with this overwhelming despair, and it’s getting harder and harder for me to fight it when I don’t even know where it’s coming from.

I feel so alone.

Melodramatic. But it is what it is.

It has been a very emotional and stressful week. Work was surprisingly light, but instead of enjoying the reprieve I was plunged into anger, frustration, despair, and bitterness. 

The more you love someone, the more power they have to hurt you.

But I feel okay now, I just hope and pray that things will go smoothly, at least for the remainder of the year.

Old job, new role … and it feels like the first day of work all over again. I need to prove that I can do it, that I can survive this. Work is work, and I shouldn’t let my personal feelings get in the way.

I can do this. I know I can.

Sitting here beside the window with a view of the parking lot below, the beautiful orange glow from the streetlamps giving it a dream-like look, a gentle breeze ruffles the curtains and the only sounds I hear are the ticking of the clock, the distand hum of vehicles passing by, and the tap-tap of my fingers on the keyboard. It’s so peaceful tonight, and the cool air reminds me of home. This time of the year it’s cold in Cabanatuan, and we can sleep without turning the electric fans on. It would even be quieter and cooler there. I close my eyes and imagine myself sitting on the makeshift bench just across the road from our house, listening to the leaves rustling in the breeze. At 12:24 A.M. the road would almost be completely empty. I’d sit in that bench and think. But what would I think about? Love? No, not that. I got my closure and I’m recovering surprisingly fast. Work? No way, I wouldn’t waste a beautiful night thinking about something that already takes up too much of my time. Family? Maybe. Maybe I’d think about how to overcome the disappointments, the hurt, the bitterness … a friend once told me that one shouldn’t give too much or it would turn to resentment. Maybe he’s right. Or maybe, I am expecting too much.

Or maybe, sitting on that bench I wouldn’t have to think at all. Maybe I would just close my eyes, listen to the wind, empty my thoughts and emotions, and just let the peace engulf me.

Maybe I’d do just that when I go home.

It rained this morning, and the sky outside remains dark and gloomy, as if sympathizing with me. I don’t want to work today and for the rest of the week. I just want to crawl under the sheets and sleep … so I won’t have to think anymore.

But of course no matter how horrible I feel the world must go on. There’s work to be done, deadlines to meet, family to take care of … 

This has been the crappiest month of my life. Ever.

It’s the third time I’ve cried this week. My heart feels just about ready to burst, and crying didn’t help. I feel so tired, and so weak, and so alone. I had another disagreement with my dad about my sister. I am angry, but more than that I feel hurt. I’m trying to be strong, to hold on despite the things that I’m going through. But I can’t do everything for them, even if I wanted to.

I wish I could just get away… disappear for a while.

It’s been raining heavily for days now. I hope you’re safe and okay. Don’t work too hard. (Like you’d listen.)